A Modern-Day Lament: Part I
Right after writing the blog post on faith, I sunk to new lows. I lamented my current circumstances and found company in the Book of Job, Lamentations, and some of the darker Psalms. These inspired me to write my own lament. While most days I do try to focus on the positives and to be grateful for what goes right and the support I do receive, allowing myself to go here for a day was helpful. There is a lot to grieve in this experience.
A Modern-Day Lament: By One Afflicted with Chronic Illness
Struck down in the middle of life.
My body fails me.
My world shrinks as the walls around me heighten.
Every direction I move, my way is blocked.
My world shrinks.
With the cracks in the foundation of health, my work, finances,
housing, and community sway in the wind.
My very self is unsafe.
Disorder reigns in my body.
Hijacked.
In the absence of tolerance, I resort to avoidance and control.
Dysfunction in one system drives dysfunction in others as lack compounds lack.
When I thought things were getting better, they got worse.
I hoped, but then found myself flat on the ground.
Modest improvements were followed by major setbacks and calamity.
What was done for the purpose of helping me has hurt me.
Death creeps among the shadows, taunting me, reminding me of
his presence.
He draws nearer than he ought though he dare not touch me. Yet.
Doctors abandon me, doubt me, disparage me, deny me, dismiss
me.
I hear, “Your life doesn’t matter.”
Others ignore or tolerate the baggage I’m carrying.
It’s heavy.
I am crushed.
The sun set long ago, but the night continues.
Where is the sun?
When is the dawn?
It’s dark, and the night is cold.
Winter drags on for years.
One pain follows another.
I feel alone.
Lord, WHERE ARE YOU?!
Were my good days just a dream?
Were those times I felt your presence real?
How could you be so present then but so hidden now?
Others receive your consolation, they hear your voice.
I hear silence or the echo of my yet unanswered pleas.
And yet…
My body fails me.
My world shrinks as the walls around me heighten.
Every direction I move, my way is blocked.
My world shrinks.
Disorder reigns in my body.
Hijacked.
In the absence of tolerance, I resort to avoidance and control.
Dysfunction in one system drives dysfunction in others as lack compounds lack.
I hoped, but then found myself flat on the ground.
Modest improvements were followed by major setbacks and calamity.
What was done for the purpose of helping me has hurt me.
He draws nearer than he ought though he dare not touch me. Yet.
I hear, “Your life doesn’t matter.”
Others ignore or tolerate the baggage I’m carrying.
It’s heavy.
I am crushed.
Where is the sun?
When is the dawn?
It’s dark, and the night is cold.
Winter drags on for years.
I feel alone.
Lord, WHERE ARE YOU?!
Were those times I felt your presence real?
How could you be so present then but so hidden now?
Others receive your consolation, they hear your voice.
I hear silence or the echo of my yet unanswered pleas.
A good lament has a turning point, where the one lamenting turns his attention from his circumstances to his God, expressing faith and hope. I'm going to continue working on this so stay tuned!
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